Understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect

Ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in when it comes to your own emotions? Or maybe you find yourself in romantic relationships where you’re craving closeness, but also kind of terrified of it at the same time? Welcome to the world of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—where what didn’t happen in your childhood might be playing a starring role in your adult relationships.

Now, before we get too deep, let’s clear something up: CEN isn’t about what your parents did to you—it’s about what they didn’t do, and this can make it a slippery concept to nail down. Dr. Jonice Webb coined the term to describe what happens when kids’ emotional needs go unacknowledged. You may have had food on the table and a roof over your head, but if your feelings were left hanging, you might be dealing with the effects of CEN today, especially when it comes to romantic connections.

What Tending to a Child's Emotional Needs Looks Like

While Childhood Emotional Neglect is about what didn’t happen, the antidote lies in understanding what should happen to meet a child's emotional needs. Supporting a child emotionally isn’t as daunting as it might seem—it’s about creating a safe and responsive space where their feelings are acknowledged, validated, and named. This foundational work is also the building block for developing emotional intelligence, a skill that allows children to navigate their internal world and relationships with confidence and understanding.

Acknowledging Emotions

Acknowledging a child's emotions means noticing and responding to what they’re feeling, even if they don’t have the words to express it yet. For example:

If a child looks upset after a disappointing soccer game, a parent might say, “You look really frustrated. Is that how you’re feeling?”
When a toddler throws a tantrum, instead of dismissing it, a parent could remark, “You’re really mad because you didn’t get the toy, aren’t you?”

These simple acknowledgments help children feel seen and heard, teaching them that their feelings matter.

Validating Emotions

Validation takes acknowledgment a step further by letting the child know their feelings are understandable, even if their behavior needs adjusting. For instance:

“I get why you’re so upset about losing that game. You worked really hard, and it’s tough to lose.”
“It’s okay to feel sad that your friend canceled. That’s disappointing.”

By validating their emotions, parents help children feel accepted, laying the groundwork for self-acceptance and emotional resilience.

Naming Emotions

Putting a name to feelings helps children build their emotional vocabulary and learn to identify their emotions accurately. For example:

“It sounds like you’re feeling nervous about the first day of school. Nervousness happens when we’re unsure about something new.”
“You seem really excited about your birthday party. That’s such a fun feeling!”

This step is crucial for emotional intelligence because it teaches children to articulate their feelings rather than acting out or shutting down.

Emotions and Loneliness: Insights from Dr. Becky Kennedy

I recently listened to a podcast episode with Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and parenting expert, who highlighted an important point about why emotional validation matters so deeply. Without someone to empathize with or validate our emotions, feelings can become overwhelming as we develop—not because they’re inherently too big to handle, but because we experience them alongside a profound sense of loneliness. When no one acknowledges or helps us process what we’re feeling, we’re left not only with the primary emotion but also the added weight of isolation, which amplifies the intensity of the experience.

For example:

A child who feels sad about being excluded from a group may also feel lonely in their sadness if no one notices or helps them process it. This loneliness can make the sadness feel insurmountable.
Similarly, a child who feels anger without a safe outlet or validation may internalize their frustration as something shameful, compounding the emotional burden.

When parents provide empathy and validation, they not only help children process their emotions but also reduce the sense of isolation that can make those feelings harder to bear.

Emotional Needs and Emotional Intelligence

When parents consistently acknowledge, validate, and name their child’s emotions, they’re teaching them how to process their feelings and respond constructively—key elements of emotional intelligence. For example:

A child who knows their frustration is valid is less likely to lash out and more likely to seek help or try again.
A teen who can name their anxiety about an upcoming test might feel empowered to ask for support or create a study plan.

By addressing both the emotional experience and the need for connection, parents foster a sense of emotional safety and competence in their children—tools that are essential not only in childhood but throughout life. If you grew up without this type of support, it’s never too late to learn. Adults can develop these skills to repair their relationship with their emotions and build stronger connections with others.

So, What Does CEN Look Like in the Parent Department?

Dr. Webb breaks down a few different "flavours" of emotionally neglectful parents, and chances are, one of these might hit close to home:

The Well-Meaning but Preoccupied Parent: These parents love you to bits and make sure you have everything you need—except maybe the emotional support part. They might be too busy with work or their own stuff to realize your emotional tank is running on empty.
The Strict 'Because I Said So' Parent: More about rules than feelings, these parents are all about discipline and getting things done. Feelings? Not so much. Kids are expected to behave, not express.
The Perfectionist Parent: If you grew up thinking you had to earn love by acing every test or being "the best" at everything, you might’ve had this kind of parent. They weren’t trying to be harsh—they just set the bar so high, they might’ve missed that you’re, you know, human.
The Narcissistic Parent: This one’s tough. When parents are all about their needs and feelings, yours can get pushed to the side. As a result, you might’ve grown up feeling unimportant or invisible.

How Does CEN Mess with Us as Adults?

So, what happens when these types of parenting styles shape your emotional world? A whole bunch of things that can mess with your love life, including:

Trouble understanding and expressing your own feelings (like, what even are emotions?)
Feeling a constant sense of emptiness or numbness
Harsh self-criticism or low self-esteem
A fear of letting people get too close or, on the flip side, being afraid they’ll leave
Difficulty asking for help (because you should have it all figured out, right?)
A lingering feeling that you’re somehow “different” from everyone else, but not sure why

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. CEN can have a sneaky way of showing up in adult romantic relationships—like when you’re trying to connect emotionally but keep hitting a wall.

The Body Keeps the Score: CEN and Your Nervous System

Here’s where things get science-y but bear with me—it’s actually really cool. Ever heard of the Polyvagal Theory? It’s a way of understanding how our nervous system reacts to stress and safety. If you’ve got CEN in your past, your nervous system might be stuck in overdrive (fight or flight), or it could shut down altogether (freeze). Neither is great for building healthy, close relationships.

Basically, if you grew up feeling emotionally neglected, your body is likely hanging out in a state of high alert, making it hard to let your guard down or feel emotionally safe with a partner.

Healing CEN: Let’s Get Physical (in a Healthy, Non-‘80s-Workout kind of Way)

When it comes to healing from CEN, we need to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Mindfulness, breathwork, and somatic practices (like gentle movement) help you tune into your body’s signals. These practices help you learn how to recognize when your nervous system is going haywire and bring it back to a place of calm.

But it’s not just about you—co-regulation (fancy term for calming each other down) is a game-changer in romantic relationships. When you and your partner learn to create a safe emotional space, you can heal together, filling in those emotional gaps from childhood.

Therapy as a Rescue Mission for CEN

Couples therapy is a great place to tackle the emotional blind spots left by CEN. Therapists help you and your partner get better at noticing and sharing your feelings. (Yes, I’m talking about feelings again—it’s a theme.) And for those of you who like a little extra science with your self-improvement, therapists trained in somatic approaches or the Polyvagal Theory can help rewire your stress responses, making emotional connection feel less like walking through a minefield.

So, Can We Fix This?

Yes! It’s definitely possible to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect and create fulfilling, emotionally connected relationships. It might take some work, but with the right tools—like somatic practices, emotional awareness, and good old-fashioned therapy—you can overcome the invisible barriers to intimacy. The result? Deeper, more genuine connections with your partner, and a romantic life that’s way more satisfying.

So, let’s kick CEN to the curb, one mindful breath and vulnerable conversation at a time. You’ve got this!

Take the CEN questionnaire here.

Listen to Dr Becky Kennedy on the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast: