Every Couple Fights

My husband and I had just returned from over a week of camping. It was one of those getaways that’s both soul-nourishing and logistically intense. It had rained on our last night, so we arrived home with half our gear soggy and smelling of smoke, and only a sliver of time before jumping back into full-on real life. He got to work setting up tents and tarps to dry while I dove headfirst into helping host a baby shower the next afternoon. Cue the workweek right after. No pause, no decompression, just… go.
We were tired. Frayed. Barely registering how much tension we were both holding until, in what seemed like a totally benign moment, he asked, “Am I attending this baby shower? It’s in our shared calendar, not your personal one.”

That was it. That’s all it took.

Suddenly, the weight of everything I'd fallen behind on and the looming to-do list hit me all at once. Unfortunately, instead of taking a breath or saying, “I’m overwhelmed,” I snapped:
“You’ve never complained about how I put things in the calendar ONCE in five years—why now?!”

Before we knew it, we were in a ridiculous back-and-forth over Google Calendar colour codes. I nearly shoved him out the door to walk the dog just so we didn’t have to keep spiraling over something so stupid. Honestly, I got over it pretty quickly and went on with my day. But we’ve been together long enough to know that when we brush those “tiny” moments under the rug, they can become sediment, layering until they harden into resentment.

So that evening, after some space, we circled back.

“I didn’t realize my personal appointments were showing up the same colour as your work meetings,” I said. “I can see how that might be frustrating and I’ll try to pay more attention to which calendar I’m using.”

And he replied, “Yeah, I don’t know why I chose that moment to bring up something tedious like re-organizing the calendar, when you were already juggling so much. Not the best timing.”

I promised to poke around in my settings when I had the bandwidth, and he assured me it wasn’t urgent and not to stress. That was it. Repair made. Conflict resolved.

The 5 Conflict Styles: Which One Are You?

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, long-term relationship success doesn’t depend on being conflict-free, it depends on knowing how to manage conflict, especially through moments of repair.

Based on decades of research in their Love Lab, the Gottmans identified five types of couples. Three of these are considered healthy or "happy" couple types. The other two tend to struggle or eventually separate.

Conflict-Avoiding Couples: These partners minimize arguments by focusing on areas of agreement and downplaying differences. They tend to have strong individual boundaries and prefer to avoid confrontation altogether. While they may not be highly emotionally expressive, they maintain a stable dynamic with a solid 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

Risk: Important needs may go unspoken and unresolved.
Strength: A peaceful, respectful tone is often maintained, and independence is honoured.

Volatile Couples: Volatile couples are emotionally expressive and love a good debate. They argue often and passionately, but usually balance it with affection, laughter, and a strong sense of connection. There’s high emotional intensity but also a strong foundation of love and shared values.

Risk: Arguments can get heated quickly.
Strength: Honesty, openness, and emotional engagement are central.

Validating Couples: These couples value empathy and understanding. They acknowledge each other’s perspectives, express support, and tend to be calm and measured during conflict. They do confront differences, but typically only on select issues, and they're willing to compromise.

Risk: Can slip into power struggles on specific topics.
Strength: Conflict is generally respectful, collaborative, and productive.

Hostile Couples: Hostile dynamics are characterised by criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and often contempt (what the Gottmans call the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown.) Partners argue without listening or acknowledging each other’s point of view. Blame and resentment take centre stage.

Risk: High emotional volatility and low repair. These couples often stay unhappily together.
Strength: Minimal, unless the couple actively works to shift the dynamic.

Hostile-Detached Couples: This style is a standoff - two people emotionally checked out, going through the motions. Conflict is marked by distance, coldness, and resignation. There’s little emotional investment left, and very little effort to resolve issues.

Risk: These couples often end in separation or divorce.
Strength: Typically, none remain unless change is initiated.

What’s Actually Going On in Conflict?

In conflict, our nervous systems often get hijacked. Our ability to stay open and attuned to our partner drops. Instead, we scan for threat.

Conflict doesn’t always mean yelling or door-slamming. Sometimes it’s stonewalling, passive digs, or pretending everything is fine while silently stewing.

We all have different ways of moving through relational rupture, but some version of it happens in every relationship. What sets secure couples apart isn’t whether they fight but how they repair.

Why Repair Matters

Repair is the process of coming back into connection after a misstep. It’s not about agreeing on every detail of the argument or finding a perfect solution, it’s about restoring safety and goodwill.

Repair sends the message: “Even if we stumble, I still choose us.”

Couples who repair well tend to:

Reconnect faster after disagreements

Develop more resilience over time

Feel safer being vulnerable

Build trust that conflict isn’t the end of connection

“Demon Dances” (from The Multiamory Podcast)

One of my favourite ways to explain patterns of conflict comes from the Multiamory podcast. They reimagine Sue Johnson’s “demon dialogues” from Emotionally Focused Therapy as “demon dances.” In episode 530, they summarize three cleverly re-named dances that couples may recognize themselves in.

I’ve already discussed how couples tend to fall into broader “conflict styles,” like the ones described by the Gottmans. But even within those overall styles, every argument has its own unique rhythm, or “dance.” The demon dances zoom in on those tricky patterns that can get partners stuck mid-fight. Spotting these can be a real game-changer when it comes to breaking the cycle and finding repair.

Find the Bad Guy (aka The Bad Guy Boogie): Both partners are on the attack, trying to assign blame or prove a point. It may feel like the only way to be heard is to come out swinging. The trouble is, this creates winners and losers, and both partners leave the fight feeling bruised.

The Protest Polka: One partner pursues with pleas, demands, or criticism while the other withdraws or shuts down. Often, the pursuer just wants closeness, but their intensity pushes their partner away. Meanwhile, the withdrawer may feel overwhelmed and backs off to protect themselves, which only increases the pursuer’s urgency. It's a vicious cycle of pursuit and retreat.

Flight & Freeze Flashdance: Both partners disconnect, often silently. There’s little open conflict, but also little repair or emotional safety. It can seem “peaceful” on the surface, but emotional distance becomes the norm and intimacy quietly erodes.

Do you recognise yourself in any of these? Most of us do one or more depending on the moment.

As an exercise to “map your choreography,” you may wish to jot down your answers to the following prompts:

“Behaviours I do during conflict that turn my energy and attention towards my partner…” (e.g. raise my voice, defend myself, criticize)
“Behaviours I do during conflict that turn my energy and attention away from my partner…” (e.g. withdraw, shut down, freeze)

Becoming aware of your own patterns is the first step to shifting them. You and your partner can use this information as a way of “calling out” the behaviour when you start to see it emerge, thus interrupting the pattern. Think, “ugh, babe, we’re doing it again! The Flight Freeze Flashdance!” (perhaps accompanied by a sweet dance move to really break the tension).

The 3 R’s: Regulate, Relate, Reason

When things have gone sideways and you’re in the aftermath of a blow-up or disconnect, this three-step model can offer a lifeline. I first learned about this approach in the context of working with children/parenting, but honestly I find it so helpful with the couples I work with and in my own relationship.

Regulate: Regulate your own nervous system. Breathe. Walk away. Splash water on your face. No repair is possible while you’re still in fight-or-flight. A good rule of thumb is to take at least 20 minutes to individually soothe yourselves; this is how long it takes stress hormones to leave your system. Please note that taking a walk and rehashing the argument in your mind or planning your comebacks does not cut it! You’re enabling the stress response to continue and you can’t think with your logical mind in that state.

Relate: Here’s where you come back together to re-establish your connection and the fact that you’re on the same team. Do an activity that will help you feel bonded and shift the energy. Some of my favourites are to put some music on and dance/shake it off til we’re giggling and out of breath, watch a funny show together or just some cute animal vids, or have a good cuddle. Find what works for you.

Reason: Now that you’re regulated and connected, you can return to the issue at hand. Shift the lens from who was right or wrong to what you both needed. Often, we’re arguing about how it happened, not why it mattered. Return to the longing underneath the conflict: “I just wanted to feel prioritized.”

This framework doesn’t require perfection, it just gives you a path forward when you're stuck in the weeds.

What Gets in the Way of Repair?

Even if we want to repair, sometimes our own stuff gets in the way. This might include:

Shame (we feel like a bad partner)

Pride (we don’t want to go first)

Fear of rejection (what if they’re not ready to reconnect?)

Old wounds (past relationships or childhood dynamics playing out - more on this below)

Being able to name these blocks helps us move through them more compassionately. And if both partners are invested in healing, repair doesn’t have to be symmetrical. Sometimes one of you goes first. That’s okay.

Over time, both successful and even attempted repairs build a felt sense of safety in the relationship. You start to trust, on a nervous-system level, that saying or doing the “wrong” thing doesn’t mean the connection is over. For example, in my own marriage, I know my husband will give me the benefit of the doubt and a chance to make it right. And I extend the same to him. We’ve never stated this explicitly; it’s just become embedded in the way we respond to each other. That implicit knowing changes everything: it softens how words land in the heat of the moment, and it makes it feel safer to circle back to a tough topic once we’ve both cooled down.

If It’s Hysteric, It’s Historic: Understanding Deep-Seated Triggers

Sometimes the intensity of a fight isn’t just about what’s happening right now, it’s about past hurts we’re still carrying. This phenomenon is so important I couldn’t gloss over it without going into more detail. You might have heard the phrase, “If it’s hysteric, it’s historic.” That means when someone reacts strongly or feels overwhelmed, it’s often tied to old wounds that have nothing directly to do with the present moment or partner.

How to recognize this in yourself:

Notice if your emotional response feels bigger than the situation calls for.

Check if you’re feeling disproportionately hurt, rejected, or fearful, especially if similar feelings have come up before in other relationships or your past.

Reflect on whether your reaction is less about what your partner said or did, and more about feeling unsafe or unseen based on earlier experiences.

How to recognize this in your partner:

Pay attention if their reactions seem out of sync with the current issue or if they seem especially sensitive to certain topics.

Notice if they withdraw, shut down, or escalate quickly in ways that seem connected to deeper fears or past pain.

What to do (and what to avoid) in the moment:

It can be helpful to gently name what you’re noticing later when you’re both calm, such as:

“I wonder if some of what’s coming up here is tied to something from your past. I want to understand better whenever you’re ready.”

Avoid calling out historic triggers during the heat of conflict. It can come across as dismissive, condescending, or like you’re minimizing their feelings, which only fuels disconnection.

Instead, focus on creating safety: validating feelings without trying to fix or explain them in the moment. Saying something like, “I see this is really hard for you right now. I’m here with you.” can help your partner feel held and seen.

Recognizing old wounds in conflict isn’t about blaming or excusing behaviours, it’s about building compassion for ourselves and each other. When you can gently hold both the present and the past with care, you open the door to deeper healing and connection.

The Beauty of a “Good Enough” Repair

Repair doesn’t have to be a dramatic conversation or a perfectly worded apology. It can be as simple as:

A quiet hand on the shoulder

A “Hey, I didn’t handle that well”

A shared laugh that breaks the tension

An honest “I still feel off. Can we talk later?”

The goal isn’t to erase the rupture, it’s to remind each other that you matter more than the argument.

Final Thoughts: Conflict is Inevitable. Repair is Intentional.

Whether you're a Volatile, Validating, or Conflict-Avoidant couple, conflict spirals don't mean you're incompatible, they mean you're human. In fact, the Gottmans found that happy couples, regardless of their conflict style, maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during disagreements. That means repair attempts, warmth, humour, affection, and understanding are all part of the conversation, even when it's a tough one. Tools like increasing awareness, naming the patterns, and the 3 R’s method can make all the difference in how you come back together.

You and your partner aren’t broken because you fight. Conflict is normal. What matters most is what happens next: can you slow down, re-centre, and find your way back to each other?

If you’d like some support to understand your patterns and build healthier ways to repair, I’m here. Reach out anytime and we can work together to make your relationship a safe place, even when things get tough.