When Love Gets Complicated

A Note Before We Begin
If you’ve been cheated on, reading about infidelity through a nervous system lens might feel unsettling or even infuriating. That response is completely valid. Betrayal hurts, and nothing in this post is meant to excuse or minimize the impact of that pain. My aim here isn’t to defend cheating—it’s to explore one possible explanation for why it sometimes happens, particularly in the context of nervous system dysregulation.

This perspective might feel like too much, too soon for some readers. If that’s the case, take what feels useful and leave the rest. Empathy doesn’t have to come first—or at all. But for those who do want to better understand how emotional shutdown can affect relational choices, this may offer a curious, compassionate lens.

Ah, love. It’s the most exhilarating rollercoaster of emotions, and let’s face it, sometimes it feels more like a funhouse of mirrors than a sweet romantic comedy. You start out in the euphoric honeymoon phase, and before you know it, you’re navigating the twists and turns of a long-term relationship. But what happens when things take a nosedive? And why, oh why, do some people find themselves in the arms of someone else?

Now, before you raise your eyebrow at the notion of trying to understand infidelity, let me clarify: I’m not here to excuse cheating or suggest it’s an acceptable response to relationship troubles. Nobody wants to be the protagonist in a soap opera. However, after much contemplation and drawing from my in-depth knowledge of polyvagal theory and my work with couples, I’ve been mulling over a theory that could provide context for why affairs happen.

The Autonomic Nervous System: Your Body’s Hidden Drama Queen

Enter the autonomic nervous system (ANS), the behind-the-scenes manager of our emotional responses. It’s like the stage crew at a theatre production, making sure everything runs smoothly—or, in some cases, not so smoothly. The ANS has three main branches:

• Ventral Vagal State (social engagement): Here, we’re feeling connected, safe, and ready to engage in all those warm and fuzzy couple activities (think date nights and snuggly movie marathons). This state is activated when we feel safe and supported, allowing us to connect deeply with others.

• Sympathetic State (fight or flight): Things heat up. When conflict arises, we might feel defensive, angry, or just plain stressed. This state prepares us to respond to perceived threats by either confronting the situation or fleeing from it.

• Dorsal Vagal State (shutdown): This is where it gets tricky. In a prolonged state of stress or dissatisfaction, one might enter a sort of emotional hibernation—think of it as your body’s way of saying, “I’m too tired to deal with this.” In this state, feelings of hopelessness and disconnection can take over, making it literally impossible to take action. When in dorsal vagal shutdown, individuals may experience a profound lack of energy, motivation, and emotional numbness, leaving them feeling paralysed in their relationship (Porges, 2011).

When someone finds themselves stuck in that dorsal vagal state, they may lack the energy or motivation to address relationship issues, leading to emotional paralysis. However, when they encounter a new romantic interest, it can trigger sympathetic activation (hello, adrenaline rush!). This surge of energy can provide the motivation to escape the fog of the dorsal state, often manifesting as infidelity. Some individuals report that the energy sparked by an affair brought unresolved issues to the surface—but that doesn’t mean it’s a path anyone should choose. This doesn’t excuse the action, but it can help explain why it may have happened.

This understanding highlights why the advice “just break up before cheating” may not be as straightforward as it seems—sometimes, the biological and emotional barriers make action feel impossible.

Climbing the Ladder of the ANS

Now here’s the kicker: to move from a dorsal state to a ventral state, we must "go up the ladder" of our autonomic nervous system. This means we can’t jump straight from the deep abyss of dorsal vagal shutdown to feeling all warm and fuzzy again. Instead, we often need to introduce some sympathetic activation along the way—kind of like kickstarting a car. Ironically, this means that an affair, while not something I recommend or condone, can serve as a jolt out of dorsal vagal paralysis into action or feeling. For some, this is the first moment they’re emotionally awake enough to notice how deeply disconnected they’ve become.

It’s important to distinguish the kind of infidelity that may emerge from a dorsal vagal shutdown state from patterns we often associate with “serial cheating.” When someone is stuck in a state of emotional numbness or chronic disconnection, an affair may occur not because they’re seeking thrill or variety, but because the nervous system is desperately trying to feel something again—to mobilize, to escape a relational freeze. This is different from individuals who repeatedly engage in affairs across relationships without remorse or emotional accountability. The latter may reflect more entrenched behavioural patterns, unresolved attachment wounds, or even narcissistic traits. Polyvagal theory doesn’t excuse any of it—but it can help illuminate why some instances of infidelity emerge from a place of profound internal collapse, rather than deliberate betrayal.

Relational Outcomes of Dorsal Vagal and Sympathetic Activation

The outcomes of being in a dorsal vagal state can extend beyond just the risk of infidelity. In this state, partners may experience emotional numbness, leading to withdrawal or avoidance of intimacy altogether. Research shows that when individuals are in dorsal vagal shutdown, they may struggle to express their needs or engage meaningfully with their partners, leading to a vicious cycle of disconnection (Porges, 2011).

Conversely, being in a sympathetic state can result in heightened reactivity, leading to conflicts, anger, or even aggression. When emotions run high, communication can break down, causing partners to feel misunderstood and isolated. According to relationship expert John Gottman, this kind of emotional flooding can be detrimental to relationship satisfaction and longevity (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Recognizing these states allows partners to be more mindful of their emotional responses and the potential consequences on their relationships. This awareness can lead to healthier communication patterns, reducing the chances of resentment or emotional withdrawal.

Recognize the State Before It Takes the Wheel

One of the most empowering things we can do—both individually and in our relationships—is learn to recognise what nervous system state we’re in before it starts driving the bus.

Understanding your autonomic state is like having a relationship GPS. You can notice, “Oh, I’m in shutdown,” or “Whoa, I’m edging into sympathetic overdrive,” and make a conscious choice about what comes next. It doesn’t mean the distress goes away—but it gives you a map. And from that place, you can start experimenting with healthier, adaptive ways to increase sympathetic energy without blowing up your relationship.

That might look like:

• Going for a brisk walk or a solo hike

• Taking up a new, exciting (but safe) activity

• Reconnecting with your own desires through journalling or movement

• Having an honest conversation with your partner about what feels dull or distant

• Seeking therapy before you’re in crisis

When couples understand polyvagal theory together, it becomes a shared language—a way to say, “I think I’m shutting down,” or “I need help coming back online.” And when we can name what’s happening, we can tend to it—before we seek aliveness in ways that hurt ourselves or our loved ones.

Want to Learn More?

If this perspective resonates with you—whether you’re processing an affair, navigating relationship fatigue, or simply curious about how your nervous system shapes your connection—I’d love to support you.

In my couples and individual counselling work, I help clients tune into their nervous systems, recognise early signs of dysregulation, and build the emotional muscles for repair and reconnection. Together, we explore how to move through stuckness with compassion—and how to choose aliveness in ways that align with your values.

If you want to explore how to increase sympathetic activation in ways that feel safe and honour your relationship, or if you’re ready to stop living on autopilot and start engaging with your connection more intentionally, let’s connect. I’d be honoured to walk with you on the path back to yourself—and each other.

References:
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishers.