Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to maintain adult friendships—how to build them, sustain them, and make them deeper. For years, I held onto this ideal of the “low-maintenance” friendship. You know the kind: the kind where you don’t talk for months, but when you do, it’s like no time has passed. I used to see that as the gold standard of connection—effortless and easy.
But recently, I’ve started to question that idea. When I talked to my three closest friends about how my priorities have shifted, I realized I wanted something different. I want friendships that feel secure and consistent. Life has its ebbs and flows, sure, but I’m learning that the relationships I value most are the ones where we show up for each other, even when things get hectic.
It reminds me of something I’ve learned in my marriage: consistency is what builds trust. My husband and I have a secure connection because he shows up in ways that leave no doubt. That kind of security has made me rethink how I approach friendships. I don’t just want to have great friends—I want to be a great friend.
For so long, we’ve been taught that romantic relationships need effort and care, but friendships are often seen as “extra,” something that shouldn’t require too much work. But why is that? Why do we assume friendships should coast on autopilot? The truth is, friendships deserve attention too. They’re what sustain us through life’s hardest moments—because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs.
Attachment Styles and How They Develop in Childhood
Attachment styles begin to form in early childhood based on how caregivers respond to a child’s emotional and physical needs. These early interactions shape how we approach relationships throughout life. Here’s a breakdown of each attachment style:
- Secure attachment arises when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available, which helps children feel safe and supported.
- Anxious attachment develops when caregivers are inconsistently responsive, leaving children feeling uncertain about whether their needs will be met.
- Avoidant attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or unresponsive, causing children to become self-reliant and avoid seeking closeness.
- Disorganized attachment develops when caregivers are unpredictable or frightening, leading to confusion about how to navigate relationships.
These early experiences influence how we connect with others as adults, and they can be reshaped with self-awareness and effort. For the purpose of this post, we’ll focus on anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment. To oversimplify things, disorganized attachment generally shows up as a combination of avoidant and anxious.
When Anxiety Shapes Friendships
If you’ve ever worried about a friend taking too long to text back or feared that cancelled plans might mean they’re pulling away, you might relate to an anxious attachment style. This can look like:
- Seeking reassurance: Anxious friends often need to hear that the bond is still strong. A simple “I miss you” or “Are we okay?” can become a frequent check-in. Without that reassurance, they might worry that the friendship is fading.
- Overthinking and fear of abandonment: When something feels off—a delayed response or an unanswered text—it can send anxious individuals spiraling. They might interpret these small actions as signs that their friend is upset, uninterested, or pulling away. This fear of abandonment makes it hard to trust that the relationship is stable.
- Excessive effort to maintain connection: To avoid the potential of losing the friendship, an anxious friend might over-extend themselves. They might be the first to make plans, apologize (even when they’re not at fault), or take on too much emotional labor to keep the friendship intact.
While their intentions are rooted in a desire for connection, this dynamic can sometimes become draining for both sides. The key here is learning to self-soothe and reduce the reliance on friends for constant validation.
When Independence Takes Over
On the flip side, avoidant attachment can make emotional closeness feel a little too… close. If you find yourself keeping friends at arm’s length, it might look like:
- Emotional distance: Avoidant individuals may keep their feelings close to their chest and avoid deep emotional discussions. They may deflect serious topics or keep conversations light to avoid feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed.
- Reluctance to depend on others: Avoidants often struggle with the idea of leaning on friends for support. They prefer handling things on their own and may pull back when a friend offers help or emotional support.
- Pulling away during conflict: If there’s a disagreement, someone with avoidant attachment might shut down or distance themselves rather than address the issue. They might even avoid the conversation altogether, believing it’s better to let things cool down than to engage emotionally.
- Value independence over closeness: For avoidants, maintaining a sense of personal autonomy is often more important than cultivating emotional closeness. They might not be comfortable with the expectations of frequent contact or emotionally intense exchanges that come with close friendships.
In order to foster more secure friendships, avoidants can benefit from learning to lean into vulnerability, set healthy boundaries, and open up to their friends without feeling like they’re losing their independence.
How to Build Friendships That Feel Secure
Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, building secure friendships comes down to a few key practices:
- Be open about your needs: Just like we communicate in romantic relationships, it’s important to share what we need in our friendships. An anxious person might need regular check-ins, while an avoidant person might need more space or time to process. Having these conversations can lead to more understanding and prevent feelings of frustration or neglect.
- Practice vulnerability: Vulnerability doesn’t always come easily. But showing up emotionally, sharing what’s on our minds, and offering support during tough times can go a long way in strengthening a friendship. Vulnerability deepens the emotional connection, making it safer to be ourselves and weather life’s ups and downs.
- Put in the effort: Friendships take work. Whether it’s showing up consistently, checking in when things feel off, or making space for deeper conversations, effort is key. This doesn’t mean friends need to be “on call” all the time, but showing up when it counts is crucial.
- Respect boundaries: Both anxious and avoidant friends need their boundaries respected. For anxious individuals, that might mean reassuring them when they feel insecure. For avoidants, it might mean giving them space when they pull back emotionally. Respecting boundaries helps maintain balance and mutual understanding.
- Practice Emotional Self-Regulation: When feelings of anxiety or avoidance surface, take time to reflect before reacting. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or even stepping back for a moment can help manage your emotions without putting undue pressure on the friendship. Regulating your feelings allows you to approach the relationship with clarity and balance.
Redefining Effort in Friendships
Effort doesn’t have to mean turning friendships into a chore. It’s less about “work” and more about intention—remembering birthdays, sharing a laugh, or being there when it matters. It’s these small, consistent moments that build the kind of friendships we can count on.
But it’s also important to recognize when effort becomes one-sided or when a friendship feels consistently draining. Conflict, when handled with care, can strengthen a connection—but not all conflicts are productive. Some might highlight deeper incompatibilities.
If a friendship constantly leaves you feeling frustrated, unseen, or depleted, it might be worth taking a step back. This doesn’t mean the friendship has failed; it might simply be misaligned with what you need right now. Life has seasons, and sometimes stepping away from a challenging connection can create space for growth—either on your own or within the friendship later on.
Our bandwidth for emotional labor ebbs and flows, and that’s okay. A friendship that feels difficult while you’re juggling a new career, raising a family, or healing from a loss might not fit in the moment. But when the timing aligns, those same connections could offer opportunities for shared growth and mutual understanding.
Reimagining Friendships for the Long Term
As I continue to reflect on my own friendships, I’m learning that meaningful connections require intentionality. It’s not about always being available or never making mistakes—it’s about showing up, being honest, and committing to growth together. That growth sometimes means leaning in, and other times it means knowing when to let go—or pause.
By rethinking what we value in friendships and putting in the effort to nurture them, we can create relationships that feel just as fulfilling and secure as our romantic ones. After all, our friendships deserve no less.
If you want to dive deeper into attachment theory, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a great place to start.
For more on adult friendships and attachment style, pick up Platonic by Marisa Franco.
These podcasts are also a good primer on these topics:
Magical Overthinkers Podcast - Overthinking About Adult Friendships
Jess Golden
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