Lessons from a Decade of Growth
Love, in its most authentic form, is often a crucible for growth. My past relationship was both a mirror and a map: it reflected my growth from a young adult into a woman who understood the intricacies of love, and it charted a course toward a more deliberate future. For over a decade, I navigated the waters of a partnership that was defined by deep affection but also by profound challenges. We grappled with health issues that brought out the caregiver in me, a role that eventually led to an imbalance I could no longer sustain. As we grew together, the rigidity of our patterns—rooted in the emotional immaturity of our early twenties—became increasingly apparent.
Finding My Voice
Over time, I realized that my voice had been muted, my desires unexpressed, and my sense of self eroded by a dynamic that was as confining as it was familiar. I was caught in a cycle of seeking validation within a framework that no longer served me, and in doing so, I learned about the deep-seated human need for acknowledgment and acceptance. My attempts to express myself were often met with resistance, leading to a personal epiphany about the significance of being heard and understood in love. Financial pressures and household responsibilities created a dynamic of imbalance and resentment, while our differing approaches to communication and intimacy left me feeling unheard and unseen.
A Pandemic Pivot to Self-Discovery
Like many people, COVID was a time of self-reflection and getting clear on what I wanted my life and relationships to look like. It was during this time that I formed a bond over simple online games with someone who would become much more. Our relationship, cultivated through distance, became an opportunity to uncover each other's aspirations and vulnerabilities, not as a means to an end, but as the very essence of our growing bond. This new relationship was a stark contrast to my past—here was a partnership that thrived on mutual respect, curiosity, and the freedom to be our authentic selves.
Creating a Foundation of Openness and Intimacy
When my current partner (now fiancé) and I began our long-distance relationship, we found ourselves bridging that distance with words, intentionality, and ritual. We didn't leave our connection to chance. We consciously built a relationship that celebrated our individuality and our union. Our conversations were the bricks that built the bridge to our shared life, and they were laid with openness and a spirit of play. We didn't shy away from the deep questions—those that dug into our values, our desires, and our expectations from life and each other. We approached our differences with curiosity rather than judgment, and that made all the difference.
Rituals of Connection
Daily rituals became the glue of our connection. During our time apart, we would carve out time to send sweet messages, exchange pictures, and once a week we would gather over Zoom to cook and eat a recipe we had previously chosen and picked up the ingredients for. Since we've lived together our rituals span from morning coffee and crossword puzzle, to shared dog walks that invited engaging conversations, to nightly cuddles and silly games invented in those deliriously tired pre-sleep moments. These acts created a rhythm to our life together. They became our shared language of love and presence.
Communication: The Art of Timing and Honesty
Through trial and error, we learned the art of timing in communication. We became mindful of when to delve into deep conversations, ensuring we both had the emotional space to engage fully. Honesty was our guiding star, especially when it came to setting boundaries. A simple heads-up, like "This might be tough to hear," became a signal to brace for vulnerability and respond with compassion. Over time, we deepened our understanding of our own and each other's triggers and learned to react with curiosity when things didn't go as planned.
Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth: Regulate, Relate, Reason
We transformed conflict from a source of stress into a catalyst for growth, adopting a three-step process: regulate our emotions independently, relate by reconnecting over a shared activity, and only then reason through the issue at hand from the position of teammates. By recognizing our own triggers and taking the time to self-regulate, we could approach disagreements with compassion, not combativeness. This led to a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives and a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Nurturing Individual and Shared Growth
Personal goals and dreams are not sidelined in our relationship—they are shared and supported. We celebrate each other's goals and provide support without encroaching on individual autonomy. This mutual support system ensures that our individual journeys complement rather than compete with our life together.
Closing Thoughts
My personal evolution from a relationship that taught me about my limits to one that celebrates my growth has been a transformative experience. As I prepare to marry a partner who shares my dedication to conscious love, I extend an open hand to you—whether you're seeking to turn a new leaf or write a whole new chapter. Together, we can chart a course towards a relationship that's not just repaired, but reborn—with intention, understanding, and joy at its core.
Warmly,
Jess
Jess Golden
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