Co! Co! Co!-Regulation:

Ah, the holidays—twinkling lights, cozy drinks, and… family dynamics that could power a reality TV show. While we all love the idea of a perfect holiday season, the reality often comes with its own set of challenges. That’s where healthy interdependence and co-regulation come in, turning “surviving the holidays” into “getting through them as a team.” Let’s dive in.

Play to Your Strengths (A.K.A. Divide and Conquer)

If one of you is a gift-wrapping ninja and the other can roast a turkey without setting off the smoke alarm, lean into those strengths. Take some time to divvy up the prep work in a way that feels manageable for both of you. Bonus: you’ll avoid the dreaded “why is the turkey still frozen?” moment at 3 p.m.

Tag-Team Those Family Gatherings

Family gatherings can be a mix of love and chaos, especially if there are strong personalities in the room. Set a plan beforehand to have each other’s backs. If Aunt Susan brings up that topic again, agree on a signal (a cough? an eyebrow raise?) to jump in and redirect the conversation. Knowing your partner has your back makes those tense moments easier to handle.

Keep Visits Manageable

Let’s face it: marathon family visits can test anyone’s patience. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries by keeping gatherings short or planning breaks. Schedule a walk around the block or sneak off to a quiet room to recharge together. If staying with family feels overwhelming, consider getting a hotel room if it’s in the budget. Having your own space to retreat to at the end of the day can make all the difference in preserving your sanity.

Co-Regulation: Your Holiday Superpower

When stress levels start to spike, co-regulation is your go-to tool for staying grounded. Here are a few realistic ways to co-regulate during family gatherings:

Silent Support: A reassuring squeeze of your partner’s hand or a brief back rub can be a quick, subtle way to stay connected and calm.

Breathing in Sync: Excuse yourselves to a quiet space (the car, a bathroom, or even the garage) for a couple of minutes. Sit together and take a few slow, deep breaths at the same pace.

Movement Breaks: Take a short walk outside together or even offer to help clean up (yes, doing dishes counts). Gentle movement helps regulate your nervous system, especially when things feel tense. My husband and I also love to dance or shake it out to our favourite music when anxiety or irritation get the best of us.

Shared Humour: Sneak a lighthearted joke or funny meme to your partner to break the tension. Sometimes, laughter really is the best medicine.

Reassurance and Affirmation: Whisper or text simple affirmations like “I’ve got you” or “We’re in this together.” Hearing (or reading) those words can reduce stress.

By using these small but meaningful moments of connection, you can keep each other grounded even in the midst of chaos.

What About the Kids?

Kids bring their own unique energy to holiday gatherings, which can add joy—or chaos. To help them (and yourself) regulate during high-stress moments, try these strategies:

Model Calm Behaviour: Your nervous system influences theirs, so stay as calm as possible. Use a soft tone of voice and gentle body language to help them feel secure.

Plan for Meltdowns: Have a game plan for when kids get overwhelmed. A quiet corner, a favourite stuffed animal, or headphones with soothing music can be lifesavers.

Connect Physically: A big, grounding hug or sitting close for a few minutes can help them regulate. If they’re not in the mood for touch, sit beside them and breathe calmly—they’ll often follow your lead.

Keep Expectations Realistic: Kids may not sit still for long dinners or endless adult conversations. Allow breaks for them to play, explore, or burn off energy (bonus: this gives you a chance to take a breather too).

The key with kids is flexibility and compassion—for them and yourself. Holidays can be as overstimulating for little ones as they are for adults, so prioritise connection and comfort.

Remember: You’re a Team

The holidays aren’t about perfection—they’re about connection. By leaning on each other, creating a plan, and adding a dash of humour, you can navigate even the trickiest family situations. And who knows? You might even enjoy yourselves along the way.

Closing Thoughts: Co! Co! Co!-Regulation FTW

So, this season, channel your inner Santa and embrace the spirit of co! co! Co!-regulation. Okay, I promise that’s the last time I’ll use that joke! You’ve got this, together. (Just don’t forget where you hid the gifts this year)

Warmly, 

Jess